Human Cannonball (2600)

Also available on PlayStation 4 and Xbox One (via Atari Flashback Vol. 1)

Human Cannonball is kind of mindless game that you play on your phone when you have to kill five or ten minutes in a waiting room or during a boring meeting.  It's an extremely simple game.  You shoot dudes out of a cannon and try to get them in a basket.  I, however, finding that to be too boring a premise, will give it a more....colorful....story.

The year is 2056.  The United States has been fighting a nearly 40 year stalemate war with Russia (thank you, President Trump).  Having run out of the materials necessary to replenish our supply of artillery shells, we've been forced to resort to firing convicted convicts out of a cannon at our foes.  Being a good Christian nation, God as seen fit to plunge Russia into a constant tropical depression, causing nonstop winds between 20 and 50 miles per hour to blow across the entire country at all times.  You're in charge of the Trump Memorial Human Ordinance System, and your job is to aim the cannon to fire the dirty convicts at those Ruskie bastards.

Unfortunately, my take on the game's backstory is by far the most exciting part of Human Cannonball.  It's entertaining enough to kill some time, and if you had someone you were competing with for a high score, it might be interesting enough, but it gets really boring really quickly.  You're given a wind speed, and you have to alter your cannon's trajectory between a minimum of 20 and a maximum of (if I remember correctly) 40 to try to get your person into the target basket.  If you aim too high, he goes flying right over the basket.  If you aim too low, he hits the basket and suffers severe cranial fractures and spinal cord damage.  The biggest problem with this is that you'll occasionally be given a wind speed so high that even with your trajectory set at the minimum of 20, your dude goes sailing straight over the basket.  Like, wtf bro?

If it sounds like your cup of tea, then you probably have really boring tastes, but your boring ass is in luck; it's another of those dime-a-dozen Atari 2600 games that you've probably ended up with a copy of without even realizing it.  If you don't already have a copy, they're dirt cheap.  Otherwise, here's a link to play it in a browser, and it's also available on the Atari Flashback Vol. 1 for PlayStation 4 and Xbox One.  If you're a collector for the Atari 2600 or just like mindless time wasters, maybe pick it up, but in general, I wouldn't recommend going out of your way at all.

My Rating - 2 Neps